Friends don’t get friends bumper stickers as gifts.

FADE IN

INT, PIZZA PLACE

Bill, a 32 year old man, is celebrating his birthday with his partner and his friends. One of them, Jerry, grins a manic smile, and pushes a small, flatish box towards Bill.

JERRY: Happy Birthday, Bill, I’m so excited for you to see what I got you.

JERRY does not blink. Ever.

BILL, laughing uncomfortably as Jerry leans in closer and closer: Thanks, Jerry, but you didn’t really have to get me anything… just getting everyone together is enough!

JERRY, practically whispering into Bill’s ear: Oh, I know, Bill, I know… but I saw this, and knew you just had to have it. It’s just so you.

BILL opens the package, and looks at the contents without showing his friends or the camera.

BILL: Oh, it’s a sticker… Thanks, I’ll find somewhere to put it.

JERRY, with his arm around BILL: It’s a bumper sticker, Bill. You put it on the bumper. Of your car.

BILL, trying to wriggle out of JERRY’s grasp: Oh, yeah, well, yeah, I guess it is…

JERRY: It’s so funny, Jerry! Did you see what it says?

BILL: Yeah, it, uh…

BILL holds the sticker up to us and the rest of the party.

BILL: It’s got, like, a little cartoon circle on it. And he’s talking with, like, a comic book speech bubble.

JERRY: Did you see what the circle is saying, Bill?

BILL: Yeah, Jerry, I can read it… it says “No cake for me, I’m full of p-

JERRY, interrupting and shouting: I’m full of pie except for instead of saying “pie” it’s the mathematical symbol for pi!

BILL: Uh, yeah….

BILL turns the sticker back towards himself.

BILL: Yeah, that’s what it says.

JERRY: It’s hilarious, isn’t it!? Because pi is used to calculate the area of a circle, but it sounds like pie!

BILL, hesitant: Yeah… it’s just… I don’t have any bumper stickers on my car.

JERRY, crestfallen: But, it’s so funny, Bill… and it’s a gift, and…

BILL, concerned but clearly lying: Oh, no, Jerry, I just meant, like, this’ll be my first bumper sticker. I’ll totally put it on the car…. totally.

FADE TO BLACK, THEN TO

EXT, PIZZA PLACE PARKING LOT

BILL and his partner say goodbye to some friends, and head towards their car. As BILL walks around the back side, JERRY appears out of the shadows.

JERRY: Put it on your car, Bill.

BILL: Oh jeez! What? Jerry, where’d you come from!? I thought you left hours ago?

JERRY: I’ve been waiting, Bill, waiting to see you put the bumper sticker on your car.

BILL, hesitant: Oh… yeah… that…

JERRY: Put it on your car, Bill.

BILL: It’s just that, you know… if I put it on the car, it’s just there all the time. Everyone will see it all of the time, and that becomes my whole brand, you know?

JERRY: Put it on you car, Bill.

BILL: Okay, Jerry, I will… I will….

JERRY: Put it on your car, Bill.

BILL, fumbling to get the sticker out: I’m doing it, okay! I’m doing it! This is who I am now! I’m the guy with dad-joke bumper stickers, okay!? Are you happy now, Jerry? Are you happy!?!?

As the camera pulls back from BILL putting the sticker on the bumper sticker, BILL continues to yell at JERRY, who is nowhere to be seen. The parking lot is empty, except for BILL, yelling, and his partner, shaking their head.

FADE TO BLACK

bumper sticker
Available on both Redbubble and Teepublic as a sticker (and on shirts). Ruin your car with my very bad joke!

 

 

 

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